His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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