Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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