but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
