Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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