and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
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