i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
