I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Randomize
