I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
