so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
