I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
