remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
