if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
