Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Randomize
