Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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