I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
