I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Randomize
