I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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