I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Randomize
