Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
