Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
You pole danced in your parka.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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