genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
