i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
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