mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
This is classic penis vs brain.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
