why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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