There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
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