uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
