he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
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