sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
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