using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
