I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
