if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
