The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Randomize
