i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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