Your mouth is God's brothel.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Randomize
