Please, let me fuck your mom
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
