And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
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