Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
