you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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