Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
