i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
