That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Every concussion has its silver lining
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
