i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
