I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Randomize
