I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
