He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
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