If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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