Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
