My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
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