Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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