she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Randomize
