I feel great
I just peed on a car
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
