So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
