so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
